*: track the memory usage of IndexJoin more accurate

[XuHuaiyu]

cherry-pick #30091 (#29068)
cherry-pick #30240 (#30214)

Issue Number:
close #28650
close #30211

Release note

None

[ti-chi-bot]

[REVIEW NOTIFICATION]

This pull request has been approved by:

• guo-shaoge
• wshwsh12

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[ti-chi-bot]

@XuHuaiyu: This cherry pick PR is for a release branch and has not yet been approved by release team.
Adding the do-not-merge/cherry-pick-not-approved label.

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